No, I can't be with him. I realize that what I've been in wrong path. I know that it's not supposed to be like this. I dare myself to define "comfortable", what kind of that condition exactly? Am I sure that it's not just the game of my perception, game of my imagination, or game of feeling? If that's just a game, so it can be created by human, by me. It's not kind of natural thing that maybe every person in this world has they own definition. Yes, it's subjective matter. I prefer to consider that condition like a game of my mind. You feel comfort simply because you choose to feel that comfortness. If you choose otherwise and decide to feel uncomfort, you can't feel that comfortable condition. Maybe it's back to what you decide to feel and to think. You are a controller of your mind and feeling. So, I think I don't have any privilage to blaming other for what my mind think and my heart feel. The one and only you can blame is just your self.
I know, it's difficult, at least for me. Based on my point of view, I created my feeling and what I feel now is just my game. Dear God, what should I do? I'm on the edge of my need. I don't wanna live in grey area, let me out of this and bring me to black or white world that I used to live. I don't wanna lose him, but will our relationship still be good? Oh God, I don't even have any power to imagine that thing. I wanna keep my people in my life, always in my life. They help me to be me.. God, please make it easier.
180612 was one of my unforgettable moment. That's the moment of truth, moment that we can talk everything we feel and we think.
I don't know exactly what i feel, love or something like that. The one
that I'm surely know is just I still care about you. I always enjoy our
moment and always don't wanna "wake up" from my imagination. I consider
that our moment is only exist in my imagination, situation and
everything happen in our time is always great moment that I dont think that is real.
Last night, we talk much about our life. Yes, I really happy we can share our feeling and mind. You said that you stop smoking for about 1 year when we separated, you still has that feeling and maybe will always remembering our moment, and you want to take me out and take me far far away which is I also want it too, I really want. But, I don't even like to talk 'but', we are in differend road. I guess, that the one and only our problem. I always feel negative emotion like sad and simply ask 'why' when I remembering that road, surely. Until now, I'm not regret for everything we did.
If that's the last time we can do that, of course I will always memorizing that time. We hug each other and if you realize, I always want to be like that, hugging everytime we want. And I don't know what will happen to us after last night, I'm so afraid to imagine, to think about. God, please make it easier for me.
For me, it's hard, really hard when I realize our condition from 5 / 6 years ago. Hope it's not for you..
Menghadapi berita dan cerita di hari ini mengingatkan saya bahwa "life is too short". Do you have anything you want to do before your life is over? I just sitting in my bed while writing down this words. I don't know what I have to do now except thinking to say thank you and apologize to my people before my time is up and the game is over.
And now, is it too late to say? How you made my life so different in your quiet way. I can see the joy in simple things. A sunlit sky and all the songs we used to sing.
I have walked and I have I prayed. I could forgive and we could start again. In the end, you are my one true friend.
For all, all the times you closed your eyes. Allowing me to stumble or to be surprised. By life, with all its twists and turns. I made mistakes, you always knew that I would learn.
And when I left, it's you who stayed. You always knew that I'd come home again. In the end, you are my one true friend
Though love may break, it never dies. It changes shape, through changing eyes.What I denied, I now can see. You always were the light inside of me.
by: Bette Midler
Mendengar kabar, ayah seorang teman meninggal. Mungkin memang bukan saya yang berada dalam posisi ditinggal, tetapi saya bisa membayangkan bagaimana kacaunya perasaan dia. Saya pun ingin meluapkan perasaan saya, tapi rasanya kok saya bukan orang yang pantas untuk meluapkan perasaan.
Jujur, hanya ketidaktenangan yang saat ini saya rasakan. Saya ingin tahu bagaimana dia, tapi saya juga harus mengerti kacaunya perasaan dia saat ini. Tuhan, buatlah kejadian ini lebih mudah dilalui, bantu saya mengatasi ketidaktenangan ini.
Mungkin perasaan ini adalah akumulasi dari semua perasaan sedih yang saya alami beberapa bulan terakhir. Saya akui bahwa saya merasa sangat bahagia menjalani kehidupan saya beberapa bulan terakhir ini, namun saya pun tidak bisa membohongi diri bahwa ada kekurangan signifikan dalam kehidupan saya dan saya harus berjuang untuk menghadapinya. Terkadang, hal ini mudah untuk dihadapi, tapi tidak jarang hal ini sangat sulit untuk dihadapi.
Melalui tulisan ini, saya setidaknya bisa meluapkan perasaan saya, kegelisahan dan kecemasan saya terhadap teman saya. Dan sebagai teman, saya harus bisa membantu dia melalui masa sulit ini, dengan, setidaknya, saya tidak menjadi orang yang salah dalam menempatkan emosi saat berhadapan dengan dia.
